Tuesday, February 06, 2007

"I'm A Bad Republican" ~ Not From George Carlin

From FreeRepublic.com "A Conservative News Forum" comes this posting. It has been ascribed to many people, among them George Carlin. It is the writing of bootyist-monk, and was first posted on 09/01/2000. He describes it as Philosophy/Humor. What do you think?

I'm Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD Republican.

I like big cars, big cigars and naturally big racks. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies. I don't care about appearing compassionate. I think playing with guns doesn't make you a killer. I believe its called the Boy Scouts for a reason. I think I'm better than the homeless. I am not the real Slim Shady, so I think that I’m gonna stay seated right here in this damn comfy chair. I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I don't care if you call me a racist, a homophobe or a misogynist. I am not tolerant of others because they are different. I know that no matter how big Jennifer Lopez’s toilet gets, I’ll still want to see it.

I don't celebrate Kwanzaa.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you do it in English. I like my porn without silicon. I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions. I want to know when MTV became such crap. I think getting a hummer is sex, and every man is entitled to at least one extremely sloppy one per month. I know what the definition of is is. I think Oprah's eyes are way too far apart. I didn't take the initiative in inventing the Internet. I thought the Taco Bell dog was funny. I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks.

I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang. I think that being a student doesn’t give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. I’ve never mourned a dead goldfish. I don’t want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package. I believe everyone has a right to pray to their God or gods, while I pray that the test results come back negative. I think the Clippers should play in the WNBA. My heroes are Abraham Lincoln, Orson Wells, Ronald Reagan and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. I think creative violence makes movies more interesting and Iraqis more dead.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake, but I still think The Rock could kick my butt. I think global warming is junk science. I’ve never owned or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven’t burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-f-up already. South Park still makes me laugh. I think you can respect and admire women while mentally undressing them. I believe a self-righteous liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a PlayStation. I want to know which church is it exactly where the Rev. Jessie Jackson preaches. I think explosions are cool. I don't care where Ellen puts her tongue. I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you’re running from them. I thought Spinal Tap was great, but Rob Reiner can still kiss my backside.

I worry about dying before I get even.

I’ve discovered that DVD is better than Laserdisc. I like the convenience of buying oranges while I'm waiting at a stop-light, and I'm pretty sure the Latina midget selling them to me is glad she no longer lives in a refrigerator packing carton outside Ensenada. I figured out Bruce Willis was dead midway through The Sixth Sense but enjoyed it anyway. I think turkey bacon sucks. I want somebody to explain to me exactly why it's wrong to point out that when I watch a freeway chase, I know the losers the police eventually pull out of the car are gonna be a gang-banging hommies or vatos. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes a parent. I think tattoos and piercings are fine if you want them, but please don’t pretend they are a political statement.

I want to know what the hell is going on when Geena Davis has a sitcom.

I like hard women, hard liquor and a hard bowel movement first thing in the morning. I believe you don’t have to speak with a lisp to pick out a couch for your living room. I'll admit that the only movie that ever made me cry was Field of Dreams. I didn't realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I had a kid. I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings. Sometimes I throw my soft drink can in the trash, even when the recycle bin is just a few more steps. Making love is fine, but sometimes I wanna get laid. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

Yes, I'm a bad Republican. And I vote... even if it rains.


I dunno ... it makes me laugh.

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Check out Tom's opinion, today, on Who Is Special.

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Sister Toldjah shows us that the Washington Post isn't just interested in propogandizing us, but their own offspring as well. Sad. She also looks at Boston Legal. And it ain't pretty!

Lone Pony's Pastor has an interesting month of sermons. LP clues us in!

Pursuing Holiness delves into New Protected Class: Straight White Guys and it's a very good read!

The Anchoress looks at Rudy, Disorientation, Boys & Chesterton. If you haven't been to her blog, go on! Always prose that's thought-provoking and deep. Even if she does have a thing for Bryn Terfel!

9 comments:

ABFreedom said...

Heh ... I don't recycle at all ... it came from the ground didn't it? .. I can relate to a lot of this stuff... LOL

P.S.: Thanks for the link ... and the picture at the top is actually foot hills, and must be just before the park. The hills in the park really don't have trees on top of them .. there to high ... ;-)

Tom said...

Thanks for the link!

Interesting post, by the way.

Layla said...

Great link and thanks a lot! BTW--I think recycling is ridiculous and another ploy of the left to be socially correct.

Patrick Joubert Conlon said...

It sounds a bit like P J O'Rourke - Republican Party Reptile. No, maybe PJ is a bit naughtier.

Tom C said...

Hey thanks for the visit and the link. I'll be back.

Truth-Pain said...

OMG, (LOL!) even my cynical ass is rolling on the floor laughing.... makes me want to go and switch party afiliation,... priceless! :)

Gayle said...

ROTFALMAO! Benning, you have outdone yourself with this one! I especially liked this: "I believe you don’t have to speak with a lisp to pick out a couch for your living room." But I enjoyed all of it immensely. :)

"Politically correct" and not being free to speek your mind because you might hurt someone's feelings is total bs! I will drive a big truck and a big car as long as they are still available on the market. When they no longer are available, I'll drive my old ones into the ground. I don't feel sorry for "poor, misguided folks who had a bad upbringing which caused them to go bad" either! One's upbringing doesn't get much worse than mine. They should get over it! I don't think you have any idea of how much pure genius is in this post!

Gayle said...

I meant to tell you before I got carried away here that I love the picture at the top of the blog.

Gayle said...

Ooops! I thought you wrote that! Oh well... you could have. Sorry!